in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
