I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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