How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
