Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
