apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
