I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
organizing the empties. That sober.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
