Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
