i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
