it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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