just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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