So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
