am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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