God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
