Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
