There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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