people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
