Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
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Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
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This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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