Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
