Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
