..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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