: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
