I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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