I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
