Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
