I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
