I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
