i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
