I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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