Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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