I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
