Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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