My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
we're so committed to being not committed
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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