he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
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Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
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just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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