After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just want nice things and good sex
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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