i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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