I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Houston, we have a blender
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
