I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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