I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
