Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
