Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
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Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize