Why is your signature on my underwear?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
