I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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