she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So squirting runs in the family.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
