just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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