JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
