I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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