Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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