Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
