I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
