He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
