when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
