My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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