I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
