Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
