I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
