turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
