How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
