maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
