dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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