I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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