hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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