Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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