Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
