she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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