Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
